Dear Lover's Brother,

I don't know how to apologize very well; I've never been good at it. I'm sure that's compounded by the fact that I don't know exactly what I did or said to make you so uncomfortable with me. (I have it on good authority that it was a drunken phone message with some choice words on Lover's cell phone voicemail, but it was long enough ago and I was in enough of a state that I don't remember exactly what was said.) And of course it's made even more difficult by my absolute mortification at my own ability to do or say something that hurtful to you, especially since I've always thought you were indifferent to me in the highest degree. (I met you before I met your brother and have always thought you merely tolerated me, so I'm surprised that you valued my drunken opinion enough to be offended, and I'm upset with my ignorance of you.)

I guess the only way I could mount that obstacle is to just tell you about me, although it does seem counter intuitive (to talk about myself when it's you that I hurt...).

I've always been the kind of person who defends by attacking. When I'm angry or hurt or feel backed into a corner, my first instinct is to lash out at anyone in my way, or even just in close proximity to me. And I'll use whatever weapons I can get my hands on, even other people I never meant to involve. I can guarantee you anything that I said to him about you was never intended to hurt you or be heard by you. (Not an excuse, I know) Even more, anything I've ever said about you that wasn't a compliment wasn't intended, full stop. I truly adore and respect you (which only makes this that much more alarming to me) and would not seek to alienate you, ever, not only because Lover is my friend, but because I was always a little disappointed that you weren't.

I don't know how to apologize for anything I can't remember, but I can and do readily apologize for letting myself use you to soothe my own frustration. I apologize for using you as a weapon and a target simultaneously. I am so sorry for tipping the lovely balance we had. Let me know what I have to do to earn your (apparently affectionate) indifference again. I'm not being facetious or even a bit sarcastic. I do sincerely miss it.

A thousand times sorry,

SamSam